Exclusive Extract!

This is an extract from my upcoming 'The Mtsar Origins of Conspiratainment' my new 100 page biography with 400 pages of appendices.

Many people have asked me, being an insider and half-brown gippo, for inside stories on the personal tug of wars that happen behind the conspiracy scenes. One such prime topic is the often discussed feud between Maxwell and Icke. Well, I was there during the famous fall out. It all happened very suddenly - I was making tea and doing general jobs for the big conspiracy stars at a mid 90's UFOcon in the Bay Area, as my fictional scholarship was not yet recognized for its inherent genius and my main business selling cadavers was a declining source of income as Indian restaurants began to use dog meat. Jordan 'Jive' Maxwell, as we were instructed to call him then by his handlers, was hosting the event, and introducing all the key-note speakers.

David Icke was one such speaker, and After being introduced by Jordan, went on to give a show stopping description of a man being patched by a tetley teabag and reptilian condoms being available in wallmart. I was so transfixed on this presentation, and on Icke's manflesh - which to a man of the night like me can keep me fed for some 2 or 3 weeks with sufficient refrigeration that I hadn't noticed Jordan crying and shivering outside the rear fire escape. He was a truly broken man.

I asked him what had happened, and he told me that as he introduced Icke, and they had passed each other as he had left the stage and Icke had moved towards it, that Icke had touched Jordan firmly on the posterior, what we in East Belfast call 'yer arse'. indeed, this was not just a friendly grope, but he had slid 2 swollen fingers right inside Jordan's cheeks. Jordan has never been the same since, and his minders instantly were instructed to drop the 'Jive' from his name in case he was sued by Trading Standards for false advertising.

Over the years I have managed to find out that in the time before this event, when Icke and Jordan shared an office that similar events happened,but that somehow Jordan had mistaken Icke's moves for a peculiar form of Anglican friendship - of course, being a son of a minister in the church, Jordan was used to such 'friendly' moves by friends of his fathers. One such prior incident involved a hazy afternoon when Jordan can only seem to recall himself and David alone on a hot afternoon, in the office, monatomic gold suppositories and a trip together to the launderette to get Ickes underwear cleaned - as he travels light and his raincoats, plastic bags full of documentation and cardigans take up most of his suitcase space.

So there, you have another freely available and non copyright piece of scholarship, from me, to you. All I ask is that you visit taroscopes and give me some money in return.
A summer without Air con will not be good for the man, I may have to move back to my Grandmothers gippo caravan in East Belfast if the revenue stream doesn't pick up pace.

'yer arse' is copyright Mtsar.